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What is my "Why?" && Giving Zero F*cks

Updated: Oct 3, 2023

Today was a good day- as all days should! I am on the positivity train at full speed. Nothing is standing in my way. I hope more people jump on board because once you change the way you perceive the world around you and how you approach life... you manifest your own reality.

I'm going to skip all the spiritual stuff and just say that I changed my reality for the better. I was in a constant state of stress and worry for many years. Engineering was project after project with deadline after deadline. It was like being in school forever and people always critiquing my work. Nitpicking every small detail. I didn't want to live like that anymore. So I stopped. I just said "I'm not coming in anymore." I didn't even put in my 2 weeks. They didn't deserve a second more of my precious time. I found myself and my purpose in life and it does not include coming into this office and clicking on Microstation for 40+ hours a week. My right hand freaking hurts. The human body isn't even made for this physical position of sitting in a desk just clicking clicking clicking in the grand scheme of things. I had become a robot.

That leads me to my love of exploration. Within and without. Anything I have ever wanted to do I have accomplished through hard work and dedication. It's all about growth mindset. You also have to picture yourself doing the things you want to do with your life. For me I wanted to be a cheerleader, tumbler, Abercrombie "model" (it was brand rep in my early days then changed to model), civil/environmental engineer, astrologist, writer, fashionista... and now a DJ.

In my design engineering days my former co-workers can attest that I would "pretend DJ" at my desk all day every day. I would wear big headphones while on the computer. One monitor had a livestream or playlist I made and the other monitor where I would do my engineering design. I would rage in my head while maintaining composure physically.

I then thought to myself -"If I can build communities and infrastructure I can surely build beats right?" So why am I pretending? I should stop pretending and do what I actually want to do regardless of the outcome. I need to start fulfilling my soul. Expressing myself. Bringing my thoughts and ideas into reality. Creating something. Nothing else matters anymore except me listening to my inner being and doing what makes me happy. What makes me happy? A good challenge. Trying something new. Learning.

I want to learn to make music so that's what I'm doing.

Today was my second workshop attended and I barely understood what they were talking about in regards to chords. The workshop was for people who already are making music and wanted help with building better chords. All I knew was the mathematics chords and using them when designing roads on AutoCAD. Did I let the fact that I never even used the Ableton software they were using and showing up on screen intimidate me? No. I just listened. I just wanted exposure. Hearing the vocabulary. Listening to people's questions. Just feeling included in the community. That's the first step in any new venture I'd imagine. Just seeing what it's like first.

Someone once told me that "music is for everyone and no one should be afraid to pick up an instrument." That really stuck with me. I thought it was too late for me to try and learn how to make music, but it's not. Life is about being in the present. I remember crying to my friend when I was in the middle of quitting my engineering job and her telling me that I can't open another door until I close the last one. That was why I had to leave engineering industry completely. I couldn't pursue my artistic endeavors by working on them on nights and weekends. That's not giving it my all. That's giving my engineering job the priority. I need to focus on what I want not on what I don't want.


The point of this blog post was to answer the "Why?" The "Why am I doing this?" Why do I want to write a blog, put together fun outfits, and make music?

Well it's simple. It brings me joy. It feels authentic and genuine to me. I'm doing it for myself and not anyone's approval. As Tove Lo says "Give Zero Fucks." That's where I'm at right now. I give zero fucks.

Her merch is still for sale and yes I have this LS tee :) Maybe I'll model it soon when I'm feeling spicy.





Today I attended the Femme House Live Session "Building Better Chords with Mini Bear" via Zoom. Here is a screenshot I took from their website for more information about the non-profit.

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