My home didn’t have a white picket-fence, but it would have looked gorgeous with one especially since it had an established garden && flowers always in bloom during the warmer months. We did however have a swing from a large beautiful willow tree in the front yard that I would enjoy every once and awhile. Everything was going according to plan and I was living the typical “American Dream” life.
Photos: Flowers from my former marital home all prior to 2023.
The issue was that I was not living my dream life. I felt like I was living a life society had nudged me into subconsciously. I was urged to go to college and major in something that would get me a “good paying job.” I had gotten married at 31 because I felt like that was the proper step to take after dating a person for several years. Marriage was the whole reason for dating in the first place. I owned a house because that was the better option financially than renting.
I didn’t understand what my purpose for living was anymore. I didn’t understand why I was forced into a construct of a life that didn’t feel 100% authentic to me. It had nothing to do with imposter syndrome because I had already gotten out of that hump years ago thinking I wasn’t smart enough for engineering. This was a “I feel like a fake.” I feel like I'm wearing a costume. I feel like I should be somewhere else. I feel like I should be someone else.
My world started to crumble fast. The mountain of stress from work, not enough vacation time, professional licensure, and a lonely marriage I was not happy in started to tumble. There was one particular night while at home I just let it all out. I fell to my knees in tears, hands up in the air, and screamed at the top of my lungs. “WHY?!”
Why God?! Why does this life I’m living in feel like a figurative prison? I kept having flashbacks of the show “American Horror Story : The Coven.” That show had an episode where witches have to go to hell as part of a test to see who would be the next Supreme Reigning Witch of them all. The premise is that during the test the witches don’t know they are in hell because their minds were cleared from that fact, they have to figure it out themselves, and once they do they can leave hell. It was a test about self preservation and those who were strong were able to find their way out of hell and back to their true selves. It was about seeing beyond illusion.
Trigger Warning: This video embedded from the show AHS is graphic and contains violence.
That was how I felt. I had constructed hell within my own mind. My hell was taking the same exam over and over and over again... failing over and over and over again. I was going to the same job over and over again... not being able to be creative or express myself because I had to maintain a professional reputation. ALL OF MY DRAWINGS WERE IN BLACK && WHITE. I was only allowed to design within constraints. I had to follow a structured routine and life that was centered around my job. I had to wear clothing that wasn't truly reflective of my being as a human.
Life was seen through a very dark lens && filter. I would focus on my projects by myself because my team was busy with their work and I was a civil designer whom needed to focus on my tasks in an autonomous manner. This turned into me playing endless EDM music from YouTube//Spotify on headphones and not only pretending I was a DJ, but I would pretend I was anywhere else than where my physical self actually was… confined to a desk. All that was missing was chains. I could feel them figuratively though and I still do as I write this today considering I have student loan debt... Ahhh the joys of growing up low income, first generation college, and the financial counselors urging me to take out more loans because I'll be able to pay them off quickly as an engineer. LMAO!!! Jokes on me. I couldn't even get a job as an engineer for almost two years post grad. I was making $13 an hour at Abercrombie & Fitch as a full-time assistant store manager and they REQUIRED a bachelors degree. I felt like I was getting taken advantage of by society in a sick twisted mind fuck of what I "should be doing," actually doing it, and then not even getting the expected monetary compensations that were implied. I felt completely screwed.
As time passed instead of settling into suburbia lifestyle, I started to feel my blood boil. I felt like I was living a life that I didn’t even like or love. Shitty music and movies would come out and I would find myself saying "I could write something better." In 2018, EDCLV had Bhad Bhabie come out on stage as a surprise guest "rapper" and was rightfully boo'ed off stage. I was mad people considered someone like her an artist. I mean I guess she is in her own right, but I didn't see the depth in her art or why she was even at EDCLV. Seemed superficial from a mile away and she is famous for being disrespectful to her parents on the Dr. Phil Show. Not even PLURR! This person has opportunities to perform in front of thousands of people? She has a platform? People get to listen to her?
I became resentful. Me against society. I started calling myself "The Lone Raver." I would go to music fests solo and isolated myself on purpose. It was complex because of course I wanted to be included and liked by people, but at the same time I didn't even know who I was or why anyone would be interested in hanging out with me. I was a boring civil engineer with a routine. Anastasia funkHOUSE was cool though. She was how I was able to express myself. I created an alter-ego. I literally had to become someone else so that I could feel comfortable in my own body when I was at music festivals.
My family wondered where that happy and silly cheerleader went that had a big heart for volunteering, dressed cute, and enjoyed socializing with friends. Now I just seemed grumpy, lonely, and unhappy with myself both emotionally and physically. Deep rooted wounds surfaced. I struggled with depression.
"In reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I breakdown and cry"
-Mariah Carey "Breakdown"
I felt like there was an artist inside me who had so many creative ideas for music, writing, art, fashion, and dancing; but all of that was unattainable for me. That's a fantasy world. I live in the real world.
In Part I of this blog post "Vanishing Fae Unboxing && Road Map to Myself" I touched on my Venus in Taurus 5th house inconjunct my Sagittarius Ascendent. I had to have a Part II because I wanted to elaborate more on the concept so that readers can see how astrology manifests. Once I saw that I had this aspect I did research on the internet to help me understand more. I typically read several articles when researching anything astrology because there is so much interpretation to be made it's important I read from several astrologers. In this case I found one astrology blog post in particular that I'd like to share about the inconjunct aspect that perfectly describes how I felt and gave me validation.
"...the inconjunct produces such restless energy that, unless channeled into structured activities that help the individual evolve on a personal level, the person will become enslaved in their compulsive fulfillment of obligations to others such that they ultimately exhaust themselves. "
-Astrologer Psychologer
I got so burned out on everything that I didn’t give a fuck about consequences anymore. I just wanted to start making decisions that I genuinely desired instead of what I thought was best and respectable according to society. On March 31st, 2023 I got my own luxury apartment and moved out of my marital home for good. Then several days later on April 6th, 2023 I called in and quit my engineering job. I had nothing lined up for work and I didn’t care. My manager had responded with these exact words "Are you sure you want to do this considering you just got that fancy new apartment?!" He was trying to manipulate me into staying while I was trying to quit which was just extra reassurance that I was making the right decision. I knew I didn’t want to be in that work environment nor be surrounded with people 50 hours a week who I couldn't connect with on a deep spiritual level nor even allow me to be my genuine authentic self.
I was now unchained from from two things that were weighing me down. It was synchronous that these major life shifts happened at 35 years old when I was in my 12th House Profection. I would like to write a post on profections another time, but essentially they are a way of breaking down your birth chart based on your rising sign and then each year equates to a theme of house + age + sign. It's a big picture way of using astrology as a tool if you don't want to get into the nitty gritty of planets, aspects, and degrees.
Fast forward to today and I feel so much lighter. I feel happier. I feel more authentic to myself && have found peace within. The Universe even started giving me signs that I was on the right path. One synchronicity is how many famous artists I've met just since February 2023 when my spiritual journey really started to take off... coincidentally same time as the lunar new year started in the Year of the Rabbit AKA my Jupiter Return.
Tove Lo
Pasquale Rotella
Robbie from Louis the Child
Benny Benassi
San Holo
John Summit
LP Giobbi
Will Clarke
Coco & Breezy
Dombresky
Eli Brown
HERMIXALOT
Granted one could say I've been going to places like music festivals and venues where a person like me would run into artists... but running into San Holo at the airport, getting to ride the elevator with him by myself, and the opportunity to have a one on one conversation with him about my artistry was I feel very lucky. I also am in love with John Summit (I mean who isn't? He's a cutie that makes good music!!) and Tove Lo is one of my absolute favorite artists of all time. None of these meetings were coordinated... I just happened to be at the same exact time and place with them and next level them taking the time to meet me. I believe the universe is bringing me closer to people who are more of my "tribe." Even though these are extremely brief encounters they are still profound in my eyes. Thanks God! :)
Now that I’ve been living my constructed heaven as an artist I feel free. I am free to be creative in every sense of my lifestyle from my wardrobe, schedule, and work. I didn't go into depth, but I practice and study metaphysics (considered a branch of philosophy) in conjunction with astrology. They are completely different subjects. Astrology is the tool that helps me understand my own psyche and innate gifts/challenges presented in this lifetime while metaphysics is the tool that gives me the ability to build && manifest in our physical reality.
It’s serendipitous that my Twitch show is called “Discovering Discipline && Finding Freedom” because even though it originally is based off Saturn && Uranus being in my 1st House, it is also an echo of my past experience of leaving engineering to go into an artistic and creative career. I feel like before engineering my biggest challenges were physical as a competitive cheerleader. I pushed myself to be the best I could be physically and am very proud of my athletic achievements. Then when people said engineering would be hard and I should reconsider it I pushed my mind to the limit. I wanted to understand calculus and physics so bad that I didn't care if I had to take a class three times. Getting my engineering degree was harder than my standing toe-touch back tuck. Now here I am pushing myself in another manner... the spiritual. My focus is to continue to build from the physical and mental so that my spirit can evolve. Again it's the trifecta of my little world and all 3 pillars are important.
This is what growth mindset is to me. Join me, Elektra Flora on my wildly artistic spiritual journey. I hope that by sharing my life experiences in a creative way (yes it's scary.........) that others who may be struggling like I did find that courage within themselves to find their true calling.
I don’t know where life is going to take me. What’s so different about this life path as an artist is the uncertainty. Engineering and the typical suburbia life were so predictable. I knew what my life would be like in a month, a year, or even 20 years later. It would look the same as it already did just with more responsibility and more money. That’s not what I wanted though. I was already bored and had barely gotten through 10 years of working in that industry. Art though… it's something new. It excites me. It's so new to me I approach it from a scientific perspective. Curious && experimental. I have no constraints.
Be your own unique self just like the stars intended. If you're lost there are road maps and tools to help you get back on track. Don't be afraid to use them.
xo,
Elektra
PS: Mariah Carey has been a huge influence in my life and I have been a big fan of hers ever since I was 7 years old. She has been my rock, guiding voice, and light through the darkest times of my life. "Breakdown" is one of my absolute favorite songs of all time hands down. The song and video touch my soul. There is so much synchronicity in me putting this song in my blog it's crazy to fathom. Also... she CAN totally rock the cowboy hat. ;) I love you Mariah. <333
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