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Perception && Doing Work That Matters

Updated: Dec 3, 2023

I haven’t written in weeks and it’s because I’m not in the right mindset. I can’t write if my needs aren’t being met and my brain is cluttered... which is where I'm at currently.


view of Raleigh skyline from a high rise
City of Raleigh, N.C. && View from My Apartment 11/30/23

I want to assure readers that there will never ever be a shortage of “content” or “creativity” when it comes to me and my artistry… however you will have to put up with my inconsistency for the time being until I can figure out my flow. I have zero processes in place on how I work as a creative when I’ve been conditioned to work as a logical person. I studied and worked in engineering for 10+ years. My left side of my brain where logic, sequence, and objectivity thrives has been overpowering my right side of my brain where intuition, randomness, and subjectivity are found. According to a psychic I am naturally 50/50 logical and intuitive so it’s not that my left side is dominant, it’s just more familiar subconsciously and I continue to gravitate towards that way of thinking.


That’s not how art works. I need to start letting go more and just going with the flow.


I also have to note that my needs and sense of security are completely toppled. I haven’t had income since I left engineering and now it’s catching up with me. I’m not ashamed by any means as it’s the truth. The thing is I do have to find work. Spirituality and manifestation can only take someone so far as they have to still be grounded in this Earthly reality. Working is part of being a human. We have to work because not only does it grant us the ability to purchase resources so that we may live, but it is a duty to society. We all must find work that matters to us and contribute so that society may thrive. It doesn’t matter what that work is as long as you know it is an important task that will give you fulfillment after completion. I've been hanging on dearly to the following quote I've taken from Steven Forrest's Elements Series Volume 2 "The Book of Earth":


"God grant that today I do work that matters." -Egyptian [Virgo] Prayer

That quote has been my daily motivation for months now. It's been so profound it's changed the way I look at chores and routine. Those are two things I've always complained about and found too mundane to even want to do, but now I find peace in these routine tasks such as washing dishes, laundry, and vacuuming. It's all work that matters.


There was a huge sense of fulfillment and purpose in civil engineering. I am extremely proud of the work I did and the communities I helped shape. A lot of ideas I came up with were implemented and then constructed. I can’t even describe the feeling of walking down a road or seeing people enjoy a meal at a restaurant in a mixed-use building or living in a townhome subdivision I helped design. All of these ideas came from my brain, to paper, and then built into this world. Concrete manifestation (pun intended haha).


When I engage with the world it is more than meets the eye. I see numbers, space, time, energy, philosophy, spirituality, color, and so on. Nothing is ever subsurface to me. I go deep. One way to illustrate the way I think is like the zoom in and out feature on a phone screen. Sometimes I zoom into details contemplating quantum physics and how this reality even came to be. Sometimes I zoom out and my head is in another galaxy far far away (most likely Pleiades as that is where Elektra is from) and I can fathom infinite space. Other times I actually am present and am reveling in Taurean experiences diving into all five senses listening, touching, smelling, tasting, and seeing the world around me. This brings me to a scene from one of my most favorite movies of all time “10th Kingdom.” Watch from minute 4:30-5:40 where Virginia (actress) and Wolf (actor) are talking about the forest.





I am like Wolf. I get excited about everything around me. I can be somewhat child-like in demeanor, but I think that’s what makes life so magical for me. I am observant and curious. One thought or question turns into a cascade of a dozen more thoughts and questions. I was once told by one of my managers I should’ve been a scientist instead of an engineer because I have had difficulties trying to pull myself out of really deep wormholes when all I needed to do was simply apply the theory in a practical manner. For me it was always “Why?!” when some engineers take these theories at face value. Here I am still trying to grasp some of these theories years later because I want to know the fundamental truths behind it all.


Right now I’m trying to understand what numbers are at their core. “What are numbers?” What I’m learning is that they are frequencies from the “other side” transmuted into our reality. I’ll never forget at Bonnaroo when I had a very deep spiritual conversation with another volunteer who told me “All numbers are angel numbers.” After he told me that I have felt a different connection to numbers and now understand each one is significant regardless of them being sequential like 111, 222, 333, and so on. At the time I had thought only sequential ones were special. The conclusion I’ve come to is that it was the sequential numbers that “opened up my 3rd eye” so that I may become conscious of patterns and thus start recognizing all numbers as messages from the divine.


I digress as usual, but the point I'm making is that I'm looking for work and I am looking for something that gives me the satisfaction knowing that my work "mattered." My ego is taking the back seat where I will take a job that seems "mundane." A few months ago the thought of me working as a barista was a "downgrade" from being a professional making close to 6-figures. That's behind me now. Doing work as a barista is and can be meaningful depending on my perception and outlook on the work itself. If I come in with a positive attitude and happy to make delicious beverages for people who want/need them then I really am doing work that matters.



 


I apologize if my thoughts are discombobulated. As time progresses processes will begin to develop and my writing will flow easier and should be more cohesive. The purpose of this particular blog piece is just to write and get some of this built up creative energy out.


Please let me know if there is something you’d like me to write about specifically. Perhaps if I know there's someone out there that genuinely wants to read what I'm writing it will put me in a different headspace. The top topics that are sitting in my brain are:

  • EDSea

  • EDC Orlando

  • Bonnaroo

  • Electric Forest

  • My Favorite Carmen Sol Accessories from my EDSea b2b EDCO Trip

  • My 1st Time to Nashville, TN && Tove Lo’s Dirt Femme Tour

  • Flow Art && Orbiting


I also have to admit my Pioneer DDJ-FLX6-GT is collecting dust as we speak. I’ve had it for almost a month now and only played with it a few times. I am being kind to myself because I know it is my dream and something I really want to work on, but again I can’t be creative if I don’t have a solid foundation in my Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid.


I don’t want to say everything is OK because honestly I am struggling. I am going through a lot of changes all at once and it is overwhelming. Divorce and switching careers at the same time in addition to post-festival depression has caused me to sleep for several days and numerous crying spells. I have had moments of weakness wanting to just "end it all" and yes people who know me are concerned. I do have a good support network (including professional medical care) and am appreciative of all their help. They are constantly checking on me multiple times a day. I hate that they feel obligated to do that, but I know it's because they love me as I do them. I would do the same if the roles were reversed.


Music festivals are what keep going honestly and it all started with EDCLV 2015. It was after that event I started getting treatment for my mental health. I couldn't understand why I was in complete bliss at music festivals, but my actual life felt like I was in some sort of prison/purgatory/hell. Life should not have that high of a contrast where going to events become escapism. Life has it's ups & downs so I'm not saying it should be complete bliss, but one should definitely be content with the overall way it is going. Right now I can't say I'm fully content and that's why I'm not in the right mindset.


The holidays are tough. I love chatting so if you are feeling lonely too and want to hit me up on any of my social media or though my website I am here! Please engage with me! 🙂


I hope you have a wonderful day. <333


xo,

E


 

Life is worth living.


If you are having a hard time reach out to someone or call/dial 988 for a free hotline.

I contacted someone I barely knew and it was merely because they were the last person to have texted me and in my moment of weakness I couldn't think clearly. I was shaking and felt like I could barely breathe. I didn't even know who I wanted to talk to or that I even I wanted to talk. I dove into my texts, opened up my last message, and was just honest. I told them how I felt and they were able to just be there for me when I felt alone.


It always gets better.




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